Exhausted

Today is hard.

It's the weight gain thing again. He's only gained 5g in 2 days. Not great but it doesn't surprise me given what his weight gain has been like the last 2 weeks. But they still think he lost some weight just after we got here and I really don't think he did. He's not gaining lots but he's not losing it either.

The doctors did the rounds this morning and since they've increased the captopril they've taken him off the spiro (which is good as he really didn't like it). They've also got us doing pre- and post-feed weighs which all of my instincts tell me won't be helpful. I know that it's not a supply issue. Having been tandem feeding I've got heaps of milk. He feeds fine, he gets a good amount of milk, all things considered, he's satisfied and not seeking more at the end of a feed. The only thing it's doing is to make me feel more anxious. Personally I think that Baby Bear's doing okay considering he's got a large VSD and a couple of other small holes. I feel like we're going to be stuck here forever.

And then it doesn't help when Baby Bear pukes up an entire feed all over himself, the cot and the floor. Particularly when we have a limited change of clothes and I'm hand washing stuff in the bathroom sink to try and ensure that he has clean clothes and wraps. 

My lovely midwife, Jenny, just called (must have picked up on the distress in my text messages) and was very reassuring and had some good tips (like expressing off a bit of the foremilk before a feed so that Baby Bear takes more of the richer, fattier hindmilk). She thinks it sounds like he's doing okay too as far as weight goes. I am so thankful that we have such a wonderful, caring person in our lives.

Holding it together is hard today. Jenny asked me how I was doing and I couldn't put it into words. If I try all I get is tears. I'm trying not to think about it all yet.

Today I am glad that I had the foresight to pack tissues.