Baby Bear's Homebirth - The Full Story

We went into this pregnancy knowing that it would be our last babe. We'd already been blessed with 3 amazing boys and I loved pregnancy, birthing and babies but having a small house, the trauma of recurrent miscarriages, and an increased risk of having babies with genetic problems, congenital heart defects and autism spectrum disorders meant knowing our limits.

Once again I was lucky to have an uneventful pregnancy aside from the standard morning sickness and the anxiety that accompanies being pregnant after 7 miscarriages. According to my dates I was due on 14 February 2013 (and after 10 years of tracking my cycles I was confident of that), while the OBGYN went with an EDD of 16 February. At around 16 weeks I had an amniocentesis done and the results showed that we had a healthy baby on board. We were also thrilled when the results confirmed that we would be having a 4th boy.

After having experienced a fairly standard intervention-heavy hospital birth, an unplanned as well as a planned homebirth (both unintentionally unassisted) and having speedy labours, there was never any doubt that we'd plan for anything but another homebirth. Our wonderful midwife, Jenny, provided the antenatal care again and we hoped that, for our last babe, there would be enough time for her to make it to birth this time around.

I didn't get around to doing as much birth prep as I had done in my previous pregnancies. I briefly revised the Pink Kit methods but didn't start the internal work until about 36 weeks and even then didn't do it regularly. However, through the little internal work that I did do, I felt that I was still very in tune with my body and aware of my muscles and how to soften and open up. My body felt very responsive. This was the first pregnancy in which I felt in tune enough with both my body and the baby that I could easily tell how the baby was lying.

In the last few weeks of pregnancy I drank raspberry leaf tea, took 5W capsules, used EPO, took Jenny's cohosh drops, and regularly massaged my perineum with jojoba oil (concentrating on the scar tissue of my previous tears – maybe it worked as I had no tearing at all this time). Towards the end I also started stimulating labour-encouraging acupressure points, using clary sage oil, and visualised my cervix opening and the baby descending.

From about 38 weeks I could feel my body changing and gearing up for birth. I was nauseous and crampy, restless and nesting, the baby dropped lower into my pelvis, his movements slowed down and a lot of the Braxton Hicks contractions that I experienced felt different – I could feel them affecting my cervix, I could feel the stretching, opening, pulling and pressure.

Having never made it to 40 weeks with any of my pregnancies, we were prepared for labour from 37 weeks onward. I thought that I'd probably go early and fast again but kept in mind that all pregnancies are different and that I could very well end up with a 6 hour labour at 42 weeks. From 38 weeks I was reluctant to go too far from home but as the days went by we really started to think that he might go post-dates after all.

We got to 39 weeks with lots of little signs that labour was imminent but I was thankful he wasn't born then as I wasn't keen on him having to share a birthday with Beanie (who had also been due on 14 February three years earlier but had been born on the 7th). The OH guessed that labour would start on the Tuesday at 39+5 while I guessed that bub would stick it out until 40 weeks (by my dates) and he wouldn't be born until the Thursday. I was still very much loving being pregnant and treasured the wriggles, kicks and hiccups, however I think we were all starting to feel the effects of being stuck at home for so long... but I just wasn't willing to risk ending up with a roadside or aisle-5-in-Woolies birth!

On the Wednesday morning, 39+6, Beanie announced that the baby would be coming that day and that he would be catching the baby with his toy ice cream scoop. I managed to get a great photo of him, scoop at the ready. I sent Jenny the photo and let her know that I'd been feeling crampy with low pressure all morning and that I'd let her know if it turned into anything (but that I really thought the baby was determined to get to 40 weeks!). She reminded me to let her know at the very first twinge.

I felt irritable and on-edge all day. I snapped at the kids, trying to get them to keep the floor relatively clear of toys in case I went into labour; I snapped at The OH when he kept talking and asking me questions during Braxton Hicks contractions. The BH contractions were all very intense and I had to pause and concentrate on breathing and swaying to get through them. They were very short and irregular though, and they lacked that extra something so although I suspected my body was working up towards labour, I knew that I wasn't quite there yet. It was a little bit confusing because my first labour had been induced and with the next 2 I'd woken up right in the middle of active labour so I'd never had to do all this guesswork before.

While I pottered around the house, The OH and the kids took apart a broken battery-operated car that The OH had found at an op shop. It kept the kids occupied for quite a while and Shmoo had fun attaching the wires to a battery and making a propeller out of a strip of paper and Blu Tack. For some weeks I'd also been meaning to give The OH and Loo a haircut so I got the clippers out and we got that done in the afternoon.

The OH assisted with the veggie chopping and grating and I made a big batch of mince and vegetable filled pastry triangles for dinner; then I got several loads of washing organised while the kids put their toys away and got ready for their bath. At 7:15 pm I sent Jenny a message letting her know how things were going and told her that I was starting to get a bit of bottom pressure as well but things were still irregular and I would get the kids bathed and in bed and then see if things progressed. Jenny had just finished work and called me back, suggesting having a bath after the kids were in bed to see if that made any difference one way or the other.

After the kids had their bath I realised how messy Shmoo and Beanie's long hair was so I brushed it and put it into plaits for them. It was uncomfortable and took a while because I kept having to stop and get up on my knees during a contraction, rocking and swaying with handfuls of half-plaited hair. We finally got the kids off to bed but I waited a bit for the hot water to heat up again before having a bath. Just after 9:30 pm Jenny sent me a message asking how I was and said to let her know how I was feeling after the bath and she'd decide what she would do then.

At about 9:45 pm, right before hopping in the bath, I went to the toilet and noticed a small amount of bloody mucus in my undies and on the toilet paper. A sign that things were progressing. It felt lovely being in a nice warm bath and suddenly I understood the appeal of a waterbirth. The weightless warmth felt good and the contractions were less intense (or maybe they just felt easier to handle). With just a standard sized bath though I couldn't be as upright as I wanted, and lying down or being on all fours in the water didn't feel right so I soon got out of the bath.

At 10:15 pm I sent Jenny an update. She called back a few minutes later and said she was on the road and asked what I wanted her to do. Living about an hour away and knowing how quickly I tend to progress she said that she could come straight over to our place or head over to her back-up midwife's place so that they would only be 20 minutes away when we needed them. By that stage I had a feeling we'd be having a baby sometime overnight but I didn't feel that the birth was imminent so I suggested she go to Naomi's and I'd call her as soon as I felt like anything had changed. I was starting to feel the contractions in my hips and down my legs and was experiencing quite a bit of bottom and pelvic pressure. I hadn't timed any contractions yet but they still felt irregular and some of them still felt 20-30 minutes apart (The OH later mentioned that he'd been surprised when I'd told Jenny that because, not being lost in the contractions like I was, he knew they weren't quite so irregular or far apart!).

The OH had been transferring some movies across from hard drive onto DVD so I lay on our futon (the 'family-sized-bed' as Shmoo had dubbed it when Beanie had been born), and watched those. I paused every now and then to roll off so that I could stand or kneel during a contraction, focussing on breathing and the pictures and words on my birth wall. I started timing the contractions using an app on my mobile just after 10:30 pm and was very surprised to see that they were coming every 6.5 minutes or so and lasting for 40-50 seconds. After lying down for a while they eased off to 8.5-9.5 minutes apart and they were quite manageable. The OH and I slowly started getting bits and pieces out of our Birth Box and started getting set up for the birth but, again, I didn't feel like birth was imminent so we weren't in any hurry.

Around 11:35 pm I noticed that the contractions were starting to feel a bit more intense and that, despite mostly lying down, they had started getting closer together again... 6.5 minutes, 4.5 minutes. I knew I was definitely in established labour now and was slightly surprised at how quickly it felt like things were progressing. Just before a contraction hit I called out to The OH and asked him to get the dropsheets out of the Birth Box. To my irritation, I heard him drop them on the table next to me before heading back out to the kitchen to make himself a coffee. I'd wanted him to spread them out on the floor! I really should know by now that I need to be more specific when communicating with an Aspie!

I decided that we'd better call Jenny ASAP so that she could make her way over but, at 11:47 pm, as I knelt on the floor beside the futon, another contraction hit and I was startled mid-way through when I felt a warm gush and fluid soaked through my undies and down my pyjama pants. I called out to The OH for help, asking him to get me a towel (and then I asked him to put the dropsheets on the floor). I cautiously sniffed my pyjama pants and undies and I was delighted to immediately recognise the distinctive smell of amniotic fluid. In previous labours I'd never had the membranes rupture naturally prior to the birth of the baby's head. A couple of contractions later I examined the towel I held between my legs and was pleased to see that apart from a tiny amount of blood, the amniotic fluid was clear. After The OH had put the dropsheets down it was probably about 11:55 pm and I asked him to call Jenny for me.

The contractions were rapidly getting more intense and closer together... 3.5 minutes, 2.5 minutes, just over 1 minute apart (and then I gave up on timing them). I'd been focussing intently on my breathing and opening up for the baby, vaguely aware of the tribal drumming music in the background. Sometime around 12:00 am I knew that I'd reached transition because I had an intense need for The OH to hold and support me during contractions – exactly the same as with my other labours.

Somehow I was able to completely let go and surrender myself to the contractions while a distant part of my brain encouraged me to keep going and kept tabs on my breathing and positioning. I was very aware of how I was breathing and kept my 'aaahh' sounds open and relaxed during contractions but it was very much an instinctual thing and I didn't have to consciously think about it. During contractions I also instinctively started hanging off The OH and lowering myself into a position that allowed my pelvis to open up more. I was distantly aware of feeling the baby moving down.

Around 12:15 am I started recognising the pushy noises I was making, that slight catch in my throat as I had a contraction and the strong pressure I was starting to feel. As my body took over, I dropped down to a hands-and-knees position, leaning over the front of the futon, hearing myself let out a full-on pushy grunt. I gave The OH a series of short instructions – unlock door, take photos, wipes (so he could check and wipe for me between contractions) etc. I kept looking up at the tower of pillows that I'd piled on the table next to me to support me during contractions and wished that I had some on the futon to help keep me more upright but the contractions were coming so fast that I couldn't move between them and I struggled to get my thoughts straight enough verbalise any needs.

I could feel the baby moving down quickly and with one contraction I could feel that incredible stretch start and I thought his head would be born but it moved back up again slightly. I was starting to think that Jenny would miss this birth too because I knew that things would happen very quickly from that point. It was then that I also realised that The OH would need to go and wake the kids up straight away if they were to have any hope of seeing a baby being born. I could hear him talking to them and waking them up and I wanted to tell him to just pick them up and haul them into the lounge room but that was too many words for me so I just said something like 'hurry up'. In the end only Shmoo woke up enough and he came out and sat on the lounge and, with wide-eyed wonder, got to witness the birth of his baby brother. Loo fell back asleep and Beanie never woke at all so they missed it entirely.

The OH came back out and positioned himself, ready to catch. I was careful to push gently and slowly, still being mindful of my breathing and, just as the baby's head was being born, Jenny and Naomi came rushing through the curtains that separate our lounge room from the kitchen. I was suddenly aware of Jenny's gentle, soothing hands on my back and her soft, encouraging words. I heard Naomi taking photos for us in the background.

It was that time between the head and body being born, that time that seems to go on forever. My senses were heightened and I was aware of my breathing, blowing out gentle breaths; feeling the uncomfortable stretching fullness of the baby's body down below, briefly wishing it was over already but then embracing it, surrendering to it, knowing that all too soon he would be born. Time stretched on and I listened to Jenny's words, felt the wave of that last contraction start and then the overwhelming sensation of release and relief as his body was born.

He was born at 12:27 am on Valentine's Day, 40 weeks exactly by my dates, and he cried straight away. I smiled and laughed and was filled with joy as I realised that our 4th little boy was finally here with us. Baby Bear. The OH handed Baby Bear to Jenny who passed him up between my legs to me. He was slippery, wet, covered with vernix and smelled wonderfully of amniotic fluid. I cuddled him next to me and he soon stopped crying (and did a wee all over me instead!).

Shmoo woke Loo up and they both had a good look at their new baby brother. The OH woke up Beanie and he stayed awake just long enough to peer sleepily at Baby Bear, dozing off while having his photo taken with us before going back to bed.

The umbilical cord continued to pulse for a very long time and Shmoo and Loo were fascinated both with it and the vernix that was all over Baby Bear. Just under an hour after Baby Bear arrived, the placenta came away. Interestingly, the contractions that accompanied it weren't painful this time, I only had a feeling of uncomfortable heaviness. The boys watched as Jenny examined the placenta, showing them the membranes and the maternal and foetal sides and the cord. The membranes were a bit ragged but, with a little gentle assistance from Jenny, the rest came away easily an hour or so later.

After a good feed and lots of cuddles with his 2 eldest brothers (who then went back to bed), Baby Bear was weighed and measured. He was a bit smaller than any of us had expected, the smallest of all of my babes, weighing in at 6lb 6.5oz (2910g). His head circumference was 34 cm and length was 49 cm.

With everyone settled and doing well, Jenny and Naomi packed up and headed home at around 3 am. Baby Bear snoozed, recovering from his eventful night, while The OH and I let our friends and family know that our 4th little miracle had arrived.

Birth Day

  

Wednesday... The day started off with Beanie announcing that Baby Bear would be arriving and that he would be catching Baby with his icecream scoop. :) 

I pottered around all day, restless, irritable and experiencing lots of intense but short and irregular braxton hicks contractions. Painful enough to make me stop and sway and focus on breathing through them. Not labour but definitely working up towards it. 

The OH and the boys took apart a broken battery-operated car that The OH had picked up at the op shop. Shmoo had a great time connecting the wires up to a battery and stuck on a strip of paper with Blu Tack to make a propeller. 

After the kids were bathed and in bed, I took my midwife's advice and had a bath. The contractions were about the same intensity but becoming regular and were accompanied by some pressure and hip and leg discomfort. By about 10.30 pm I knew it was labour and we'd be having a baby some time overnight. I still suspected things were quite a while off though. 

We very slowly started getting set up, not in any hurry as the contractions weren't too bad. I chilled out on our futon, rolling off to stand or kneel during contractions. At 11.47pm, I'd just asked The OH to get the drop sheets out, when I felt a gush of fluid... my waters had broken. Things intensified immediately and The OH called our midwife. Within 10-15 minutes I'd hit transition and needed The OH's physical support. I started feeling pushy around 12.15 am and told The OH to wake the kids but only Shmoo woke enough to come out and watch.

I thought our midwives weren't going to make it and that we'd be having our 3rd unassisted birth but just as Baby Bear's head emerged, they dashed into the room. I could feel my midwife's gentle hands on my back and hear her soft, encouraging words, while our back-up midwife stayed in the background taking photos for us. At 12.27 am Baby Bear was born into his Daddy's hands. 6lb 6.5oz (2910g); our Valentine's Day baby, born on his due date. Our teeny tiniest babe and the only one to make it to 40 weeks. Another beautiful homebirth and beautiful baby boy. :D

Baby Bear dropped even lower yesterday. Still feeling a bit nauseous and crampy, bit of pressure down low. Did a quick check of my cx this morning and I think I'm about 3-4cm, very, very soft and stretchy. Hoping he'll hold out 'til Friday if he can... I'd rather not have the kids share a birthday!

Anticipation...

Baby Bear's movements have slowed, not so many of the big, sweeping rolls. Hiccups have gone from 6-10 times a day to 2-3 times. The quietening before labour :) I had a few intense Braxton Hicks early this morning that left me feeling quite crampy and nauseous for a few hours.

Midwife stopped by for a visit today and all her equipment is here, ready to go. I have cohosh drops to take as well as the Red Iron drops. She noted that Baby Bear is very low now.

Soon.

Soon...

I don't think it will be too much longer.

Nesting urge has kicked into high gear.

Back, hips and pelvis are loosening up.

Autoimmune issues have gone into remission for the first time in about 8 years.

Braxton Hicks contractions are becoming more intense and frequent. I can feel some of them doing things. Not just tightening but also pulling, stretching, crampiness, heaviness and pressure. I can feel changes.

Ready when you are, baby.

Birth Wall

The boys have been helping with the artwork to decorate my wall of inspiration for labour/birth.

Baby Bottom Balm

 

Isn't that just the most gorgeous, golden, sunny colour?! I'd forgotten how impatient I get waiting for the beeswax to gently melt into the warm oil but I got there in the end (and without overheating it all). I used jojoba, rosehip and calendula oils, about 1.1L in total, and about 150g beeswax. I find that's usually a fairly good ratio for our cool climate so that it doesn't set too hard (not fun trying to apply hard lumps of balm to a baby's bottom!). I ended up with 9 x 100g jars; 6 (and a half) x 30g jars; and 1 x 20g jar. I keep the jars that aren't currently in use in the fridge and they last absolutely ages (but that does also depend on the shelf life of the oils that you use). Great for keeping the yucky stuff away from babe's sensitive skin; preventing and healing rashes; and I always use it at each nappy change for the first few days as it makes the sticky meconium clean-ups a breeze.

I Know I'm Getting Close When...

I wake up at 3 am and seriously consider getting up to clean the washing machine.

Gotta love that nesting urge. ;)

The Birth Box

   

- New car seat for Beanie purchased and installed; and old car seat turned around into newborn position.

- Car seat box decorated by kids and starting to be filled with homebirth supplies.

- Birth Day gifts for kids and midwife wrapped and ready.

- Taking 5W capsules from midwife.

Birth Clips

The boys and I spent a good part of the afternoon YouTubing, watching homebirth videos. We started off with a bunch of great ones I'd previously bookmarked from Gloria Lemay's blog and then moved on to searching YouTube itself.

The boys loved watching all the babies being born (including the photo montage of their own births) and it's good to know that they won't be too concerned by the sights and sounds of a normal, natural labour. Shmoo and Loo had wanted to see Beanie being born but things happened so quickly we didn't get a chance to wake them up... Hopefully they'll get to see Baby Bear's birth!

Afterwards we got the doppler out and they each had a go at finding Baby Bear's heartbeat as well as their own.

Baby Prep

- Bassinette set up and linen washed.
- Baby bag (small travel case) unearthed from the spare room and have started packing it with things for the first few days (keeps basic things in one place and also will serve as a hospital bag in case of transfer).
- Cloth breast pads and sanitary pads washed and ready to go. Eco-disposable maternity pads ready for first few days.
- A few minor repairs carried out on the trusty Hug-A-Bub (has served us well and been an essential for all 3 boys).
- Labour and post-birth music playlists created.
- List of contacts and last-minute-in-labour to-do list created and ready to be printed out.
- Drinking red raspberry leaf and brushing up on Pink Kit skills.
- Bulk cooking started to fill the chest freezer with meals and snacks.
- Ingredients for baby bottom balm purchased and ready to be made.
- Starting birth prep for the kids.

Nesting

Coathangers and clothes airers laden with freshly washed, tiny 0000 and 000 grow suits, little singlets, mini socks and hats.

Baskets full of teeny newborn-sized nappies, covers, liners and bamboo flats, sorted and ready to be washed.

Counting down, waiting for an itty bitty baby to arrive...

Big Boy Beanie

My little Bean is growing up :) :(

For about 6-8 weeks now we've been down to one breastfeed a day, the pre-bedtime feed. It's a token feed, most days just half a minute each side. And we're both okay with that. A couple of months ago I encouraged him to to drop the very early morning feed. It was just one of those weird pregnancy things, I couldn't stand the feeling of him breastfeeding and that morning feed was more than I could take. We had some extra cuddle time and after a week or so he forgot to even ask for boobies. Who knows what will happen after Baby Bear is born, either way it's okay.

And tonight is Beanie's second night sharing a room with his brothers. They're all coping fine with the move. Beanie's been sleeping through the night consistently for about 6 months now and able to settle himself to sleep for about 4 months, only needing to sleep in our bed when sick or early in the morning when The OH and I were trying to have a sleep in. I think I'm finding it harder to adjust than he is (Beanie is absolutely thrilled to be in with his brothers and keeps telling me that he's a big boy now). Me, on the other hand, I'm so used to having a baby next to me, whether snuggled up next to me in bed or in a cot pushed up against our bed. And there's actually less bed-space with Beanie gone. With the cot right up against our bed, I had a doona and pillows packed into the space in between with a sheet firmly tucked over everything so there were no gaps. It added a good extra 20-odd cm to our queen sized bed and without the cot there I now find myself nearly rolling off the edge of the mattress in the middle of the night!

But now I have space in our bedroom to get the bassinette set up; to get the newborn clothes and nappies washed and put away; to put together my box of homebirth supplies. And I'm really excited. Crazy as it may be, I'm looking forward to experiencing labour again, looking forward to welcoming and embracing the contractions that will bring our little boy earthside. I am sad/happy/grateful because pregnancy #11 will be our last one. And I can't wait to be able to cuddle my little Baby Bear and to breathe in deep his sweet newborn baby smell. :x

I Love...

Sitting here watching the Christmas carols on TV with the kids; their hands eagerly pressed against my tummy, feeling the regular bump-bump-bump of their baby brother hiccuping away inside.

Yay!

Amnio results all clear :D No translocation!

Baby head down (ROA); placenta high up and anterior.

Profile of Baby Bear's head. Measuring 28 weeks.

First Cinema Visit

 

*blush* Yes, that's my ^bump^ protruding into the pic... well I am 27 weeks pregnant! 

The last time The OH and I went to the movies was over 7 years ago, when Shmoo was still a tiny, portable, easy-going newborn. Then he grew into a toddler and we had another baby, and then another baby. Movie-going with 3 very young children... not exactly the most appealing of activities.

But the kids are older now and for some time we've been thinking that we should take them to the cinema so they can see their first big-screen movie. Preferably before the arrival of the next baby! So, this evening, we took the boys to see Madagascar 3. We have 1 and 2 on DVD which they all love so we were pretty confident that they'd like 3 as well. We deliberately chose a mid-week screening too, in the hope that it would be a quiet session and I also packed 3 sets of earmuffs and the CuddleLoop, just in case. I was tempted to take along the weighted blanket too but we only have a small one and I figured they probably would have ended up fighting over it.

It went really well. We bought a large bucket of popcorn for them to share and the woman who served us had the brilliant idea of giving us 3 smaller, empty cups so that we could give the kids their own little serves. We were also able to go into the cinema straight away, about 20 minutes before the movie was scheduled to start, which was great. We were first in so I was able to carefully select the row of seats and get the kids settled and comfortable. Turns out that mid-week is a great time to go as there was only one other small group of people in the cinema with us.

Madagascar 3 was a great movie to see on the big screen, even The OH and I enjoyed it. The only thing in it that I was really concerned about was the scene with the mounted animal heads on the animal control inspector's wall, I was worried it might me a bit alarming for the kids but it seemed to go over their heads (forgive the pun!). Shmoo and Loo sat amazingly still and just got really into the movie. Shmoo did wear his earmuffs for 3/4 of the movie though. Glad I brought them! Beanie did really well too, considering he's not yet 3 years old. He couldn't get over the fact that they'd turned off the lights and kept gazing up at the ceiling in awe and commenting on it.

Overall, a big success. We even let the boys have a go on one of those car-racing games after the movie. The boys will be talking about the whole experience non-stop now (and nagging us to go again... maybe we should make them pay for their own tickets?!?). Interesting to note also that my pregnancy hormones have well and truly kicked in... honestly, what mama gets all teary and emotional over her kids' first big-screen movie? :"> 8-|

In The Bag

*Phew* I've just finished wrapping the kids' Christmas pressies that we've slowly been collecting in online sales over the last year, apart from a couple of things that are still on the way. Feels good to be getting things organised (plus I'm just excited about a lot of the pressies - I think I'm gonna have fun playing with them too ;) ). Next I just have to wrap the boys' birth and birthday presents and that should take care of the main gift-giving until next Christmas! Ahhh I love online shopping. Why battle the crowds at shopping centres when there are so many wonderful online stores (and Fishpond)?

Christmas:

Individual presents - they're each getting a Viewmaster set and a drawing kit (Lyra Groove coloured and graphite pencils, Stockmar block crayons, sharpener and eraser).

Family/shared/'school supply' presents - paint storage pots; 2 x wooden puzzles; solar powered rainbow maker; magnetic drawing boards; small wooden tabletop puppet theatre; set of jungle animal hand puppets; Giotto face paint pencils (we got sick of them using hard-to-remove felt pens to draw all over their faces, especially when a random squiggle on a forehead ends up looking remarkably like a swastika...). I have restrained myself and not included spare glue sticks and erasers in with their Christmas gifts. I'm sure my kids wouldn't mind in the slightest if I did include them but somehow they just don't seem quite exciting enough to me :)

Stocking fillers/Santa's contribution (he only gets credit for the small stuff ;) ) - they each get a little wooden magnifying glass; wooden animal clicker toy, wooden kaleidoscope/prism viewer thing; novelty pencil; handful of little chocolates.

Birthdays:

Baby Bear's Birth -  4 x wooden puzzles with storage rack and a DVD (yet to decide which one!) for the big boys to share; lovely, snuggly, super-soft teddy bear for Baby Bear.

Beanie - wooden pirate puzzle; wooden magetic ice-cream stand; noisy animal book.

Loo - set of dinosaur hand puppets; dinosaur novel (The Enormous Egg by Oliver Butterworth); set of nesting measuring cups.

Shmoo - wooden science toy kit; DIY vacuum science kit; rolling pin/biscuit cutter set.


Hmm, I may have gone a bit overboard with all the puzzles but they've all been really into working co-operatively to complete puzzles lately. It's so lovely to see them playing nicely and helping each other. Plus puzzles offer a much needed quiet and independent play option when there's a newborn to take care of...

Aaaargh!

~X(

Called my OB's office again regarding the amnio results. The receptionist said that she spoke to pathology and they said that the results that were sent through are it, that's all they have... Except the OB told me that they were only the preliminary results and we're still waiting on the full report. So the receptionist is going to call pathology again and see if she can find out what's going on.

I'm assuming that we got the all clear for the FISH test, which is a good start, but that only tests a few specific chromosomes (13, 18, 21, X and Y, I think) none of which are involved with my particular translocation.

Hopefully they didn't just do the FISH test alone. That would be all kinds of frustrating and pointless.

This is so not doing anything to increase my faith in the hospital system.

... And now I'm so much more anxious about the amnio results. Eight weeks since the amnio was done. Eight days 'til the OB's back from leave. The hospital system does hate me.

Please, please, please don't let him have it too.

Mama guilt overload.

Pregnancy, Miscarriage and Moving On

Excuse the hastily self-taken, crappy quality photo...

I've been feeling very guilty that I've not done any belly pics so far this pregnancy. The reason... well, there's still some part of me that has finds it difficult to accept that (a) this pregnancy is still happening; and (b) that this is very likely my last pregnancy. I have that 'I'm done' feeling. I'm okay with it, I cannot keep enduring the physical and emotional effects of recurrent miscarriage, the uncertainty that is the balanced translocation genetic lottery, the possibility of stillbirth or neonatal death. And I've become aware of my limits when it comes to having the strength and patience to be both a partner to someone with an ASD and a decent mother to ASD kids. But still, facing the end of this phase of my life is difficult and confronting. TTC/pregnancy/babies has been the main focus of my life for just under 10 years now. At 31 years old, that's a huge portion of my life.

I cried yesterday reading the paper. Coming up to Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, there was a 2-page story about the grief that parents experiencing miscarriage go through; how difficult it is when there is so little acknowledgement of the babies that are lost. Apparently there is a local woodworking guild that makes little coffins that they donate to the NWPH and Mersey so that parents have something they can take their miscarried babies home in for burial. There was mention of parents in the last couple of years having to take their little lost babes home in things like biscuit tins; and of midwives and nurses going out to buy boxes from Chickenfeed. Stories of parents being told that they could take the baby home to bury or they could leave it at the hospital to be disposed of with the rubbish.

So sad. And yet, I read it and felt a huge wave of relief that parents are now given the choice. Back in 2004 I wasn't given that choice. I asked to keep the 'products of conception' to take home for burial. It was something I needed to do; something I didn't get to do with our first loss but I knew it would help me to process the 2nd miscarriage and my grief. I was patronised and lied to. I put in a complaint but it was too late, despite my explicit request our baby had been classified as medical waste and had been disposed of along with used bandages and the like. I kicked up a fuss, I wrote letters, I approached MPs. I eventually received an apology and assurances of changes in hospital policies. The memory of it is still traumatic, I still feel bitter about it, and it's difficult for me to walk through certain parts of the hospital. I still refuse to have a straightforward miscarriage (or birth for that matter ;) ) in a hospital but it was good to read that other parents are now given the choice that I wasn't.

And so here we are, with #4 hopefully arriving safe and healthy in another 4 months or so. I am so grateful, so blessed. I know how lucky I am. I feel bad though because I know there are women with fertility problems, who aren't aware of my history, who look with envy at me and my baby belly and 3 young kids. I know, all to well, the irrational stab of pain and sadness that it causes.

Maybe this part of my life is coming to an end but I will always carry it with me, close to my heart, both the joy and the sorrow. And I look forward to watching my four beautiful boys grow and blossom over the coming years. :)