Pregnancy, Miscarriage and Moving On

Excuse the hastily self-taken, crappy quality photo...

I've been feeling very guilty that I've not done any belly pics so far this pregnancy. The reason... well, there's still some part of me that has finds it difficult to accept that (a) this pregnancy is still happening; and (b) that this is very likely my last pregnancy. I have that 'I'm done' feeling. I'm okay with it, I cannot keep enduring the physical and emotional effects of recurrent miscarriage, the uncertainty that is the balanced translocation genetic lottery, the possibility of stillbirth or neonatal death. And I've become aware of my limits when it comes to having the strength and patience to be both a partner to someone with an ASD and a decent mother to ASD kids. But still, facing the end of this phase of my life is difficult and confronting. TTC/pregnancy/babies has been the main focus of my life for just under 10 years now. At 31 years old, that's a huge portion of my life.

I cried yesterday reading the paper. Coming up to Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, there was a 2-page story about the grief that parents experiencing miscarriage go through; how difficult it is when there is so little acknowledgement of the babies that are lost. Apparently there is a local woodworking guild that makes little coffins that they donate to the NWPH and Mersey so that parents have something they can take their miscarried babies home in for burial. There was mention of parents in the last couple of years having to take their little lost babes home in things like biscuit tins; and of midwives and nurses going out to buy boxes from Chickenfeed. Stories of parents being told that they could take the baby home to bury or they could leave it at the hospital to be disposed of with the rubbish.

So sad. And yet, I read it and felt a huge wave of relief that parents are now given the choice. Back in 2004 I wasn't given that choice. I asked to keep the 'products of conception' to take home for burial. It was something I needed to do; something I didn't get to do with our first loss but I knew it would help me to process the 2nd miscarriage and my grief. I was patronised and lied to. I put in a complaint but it was too late, despite my explicit request our baby had been classified as medical waste and had been disposed of along with used bandages and the like. I kicked up a fuss, I wrote letters, I approached MPs. I eventually received an apology and assurances of changes in hospital policies. The memory of it is still traumatic, I still feel bitter about it, and it's difficult for me to walk through certain parts of the hospital. I still refuse to have a straightforward miscarriage (or birth for that matter ;) ) in a hospital but it was good to read that other parents are now given the choice that I wasn't.

And so here we are, with #4 hopefully arriving safe and healthy in another 4 months or so. I am so grateful, so blessed. I know how lucky I am. I feel bad though because I know there are women with fertility problems, who aren't aware of my history, who look with envy at me and my baby belly and 3 young kids. I know, all to well, the irrational stab of pain and sadness that it causes.

Maybe this part of my life is coming to an end but I will always carry it with me, close to my heart, both the joy and the sorrow. And I look forward to watching my four beautiful boys grow and blossom over the coming years. :)